FAREWELL COLUMBUS

I moved to Columbus in 2016 for grad school, with a mindset of “I can live anywhere for two years”. I had no idea this place would become the setting for so much love, loss, and change. This city is where I found myself, and the journey I’ve taken here has been more fulfilling than I thought possible. In reflecting on this journey, I hope to reinforce my belief that there are just as many wonderful and unknowable opportunities ahead of me.

My time in college was life-changing – I went full-tilt into extracurriculars and discovered so much about the world and myself. My perspective on social issues, diversity, and life paths had all changed for the better. I met my now-ex, “C.”, and we started dating a year later. She was the first person I came out to about being nonbinary, and had been supportive from the very start. Eventually, the goals I started college with had changed, and I no longer cared for a career as an engineer.

C. and I had been together for 2.5 years when I made the choice to leave my engineering path and get a Master’s degree in Higher Education. This was a big decision for us, since C. stayed in San Diego for an extra year while I finished my degree. We also agreed that C. had next say over where we moved next for her education or career. If we were willing to do that together, it made sense to make the commitment to marriage, so we got engaged the summer we moved, with plans for a wedding after graduation.

I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into with grad school. I took an assistantship with Residence Life, because I had no other choices. Between the adjustment from engineering coursework and the late-night crisis response, it was a stressful time. But I had a cohort of wonderful people going through the same struggles, some of whom are now lifelong friends. And I continued growing my perspectives on social justice and systemic issues, establishing much of my current worldview to this day.

This time was also a difficult for C., as she struggled to find direction and belonging in a new environment. Eventually, she landed into an incredible opportunity working for a rowing website, which meant our next move would be staying in Columbus until she got more experience.

When I graduated in 2018, I was unemployed and about to be evicted. I was foolishly relying on a live-on job offer from the department I had just worked for the past two years, and had no backups. I consider the next period a “low point” in my life – I was deeply depressed, and questioned all my life choices as I struggled to get past phone interviews. The low point was getting rejected by our local pizza takeaway after doing a ‘demo work’ day there. Despite this, I still had good things to look forward to.

On September 2, 2018 in San Diego, California, I married my best friend and long-time partner, and had one of the best days of my life. It was touching to have so many people come to celebrate us and support our relationship. Although I wish I had job plans to share, I was assured by everyone that “it would work out”. Eventually, it did.

Finally, as an alternate candidate, I got a job as an Academic Advisor for undecided students – my first step into an actual, full-time career. I quickly realized I could thrive in professional environments just as much as academic ones, and established myself as an exceptional teammate and leader. After 20 years of continuous education, I had finally “made it” to what I had been working toward. But something about that wasn’t sitting right with me.

Now married, out of school, and in a fulfilling job, I felt like I had finally entered ‘the real world’. I realized that my future from here was entirely open-ended, and I could set any goals I wanted to pursue. But it was difficult for me to imagine a future state of myself. Now that I had nothing to distract me, I realized I still had some feelings about my gender that I needed to explore.

Having taken so long to get my first job, I wanted to make sure I could get plenty of experience before moving on from Columbus. C. and I were tired of apartment living, and decided to get a house. We started searching December 2019, and finally got an offer accepted in April 2020. Over the next two years, our lives would change more than we thought possible.

Navigating a pandemic, puppy parenthood, and a full kitchen remodel, C. and I adjusted to homeownership, and were happy to have a place of our own. At the same time, I sought gender counseling, in the hopes of resolving what I thought was the key question to my transition: am I nonbinary, or am I a trans woman?

Lately, I’ve been building awareness of the ways my brain makes rules for myself like this. For example, I thought that I could only transition if I identified as a woman. If I were nonbinary, I could somehow figure out a way to match my gender expression and identity without transition. Stuck on this idea of deterministic gender identity, my therapist recommended I talk to a healthcare professional to get insight to the physical aspects of gender as well.

I was FAR more excited at the effects of HRT than I expected, and almost immediately knew I wanted it. I decided that even if I didn’t know what my ‘gender destination’ would be, I knew the direction I wanted to travel. I’d have plenty of time in my future to come to a conclusive identity, if I even needed to anymore – so I started HRT in February 16, 2021.

What started as an exploration of my gender expression eventually blew up my life, in more ways than I was ready for. I hope to someday document my transition in more detail, but in the context of this letter, you should know that it represents the crux of my time in Columbus. Prior to it, I lived uncritically, with few goals or aspirations, riding the momentum of life from one milestone to another. Through it, I’ve learned a new way to be, ask for what I want, and have a life I love.

Call it recency bias, but this time period feels impossible to capture in the same length as the above sections – 2022 me would NOT BELIEVE what 2024 me has experienced. I found community, friendship, and self-confidence. I got my literal dream job. But coming into my own led to some difficult realizations. And here I thought choosing to be a girl¹ was the hardest decision I’d ever make. (This section is so chaotic I had to break it into sub-headings for organization)

Career – I wrote a whole career section here, but just check out my Goodbye OSU letter for context. Basically, the timing of getting this job sucked, and it coincided with a period of significant change in my personal life. As much as I loved it, jobs are jobs, and I value myself more than any employment contract. So throughout everything you read here, just know I was also doing 40-50 hour work weeks trying to remember 100+ students’ names, faces, and conversations we’ve had, while helping them develop as thoughtful kind human beings.

Community – Eager to start building the “not work, not partner, but ME” part of my life, I went to a Queer Climbing Columbus meetup (highly recommend btw). Since then, I’ve discovered the power and value of community firsthand, as well as the impact my presence in that space. Most of what (and who) I’m sad to leave in Ohio, I owe to QCC. The friends I’ve met here have been some of the most incredibly kind, thoughtful, and cool people I’ve ever known – especially Pleiades, who grew up just a town away from me, and has now become my best friend in these two years.

Growing Pains – Through all of this, C. had been incredibly supportive, not just of my new identity and expression, but also in our relationship. She was willing to find new balance, compromise on some opposing ideas, and work with me (as I with her) to make sure we both had happy lives. I wish I could say that I recognized the gravity of her support at the time, and responded with appreciation in-kind. Instead, as I enjoyed my era of community and self-discovery, she felt more alone in her struggles to balance full-time work, rowing club presidency, and grad school.

More Changes – I always knew I was weird, especially as a kid, but I thought that was just my queerness. During this period, I began struggling with my life management in some new ways, but that I had seen someone close to me struggle with too. Knowing their reason was ADHD, I decided to get an assessment for myself. I can’t be sure whether living as myself freed up parts of my brain to get Weird, or HRT transed my neurodivergence that I had learned to mask as a kid; but either way, that sparked yet another journey of self-discovery. (Side note: when retrospecting on my life, it’s funny how difficult it can be to figure out if it’s an ADHD thing or a Trans thing – or both)

Vinegar Sun – To be honest, I’m still figuring out how to talk about this, so I’ll keep it brief. As much as I wanted things to work out, we eventually realized that the best thing for our happiness would be to separate. While I’m grateful for the work we put in together, and the better understanding we eventually reached, the last couple years had been rough for both of us. I have many regrets about how I handled that time, the decision, and subsequent 7 months of living together.

After we ended our relationship in May, C. and I decided to join two of my high-school friends on their trip to the Netherlands, since we (1) never took a honeymoon, and (2) had money from a cancelled Eurotrip in 2020. They were traveling to look at neighborhoods and choose a place to live, since they had been planning to emigrate for a couple years. We called it our “Vinegar Sun”, a fitting end to a long and complicated relationship. It was about halfway through this trip that a thought entered my mind: I might be able to do a move like that myself.

Cancer Scare – As if I didn’t have enough going on in my life, I noticed a growth bump on my *freshly grown* chest that hadn’t dissipated after a few months like the rest. Fast-forward to the most awkward and expensive medical visit I’ve ever had for my first mammogram, followed by a biopsy the day after C. moved out. Thankfully, Pleiades was able to accompany me and bring their pharmacy/medical knowledge to ask good questions of my care team. I’m fine, but the experience coinciding with the ending of my life partnership was pretty harrowing, and put my mind in a big forward-thinking mode.

Moving – I spent the next three months emptying the house C. and I had filled together, which felt larger than it had any right to be. At the same time, I put many stressful hours toward researching and applying to PhD programs in the Netherlands, hoping to secure legal residency and advance my education. I was lucky to find a fully furnished short-term apartment just down the street from my house (thanks Jenee), which has been a nice middle-step in downsizing my life and moving on.

DAFT – As PhD positions became more sparse, each one felt like a compromise, something I wasn’t super enthusiastic about, but that I felt I SHOULD apply for to get residency. Not wanting to immediately jump into another multi-year significant life commitment just yet, my plans changed to immigrating via the Dutch American Friendship Treaty, so I could safely land and establish residency that didn’t depend on keeping a specific job, or staying in an academic program. I told OSU I’d be leaving at the end of summer, and convinced them to hire my replacement early so that I could onboard and train them myself. Since then, I’ve been in a sort of liminal space, knowing I’m leaving, but with several more months to make good memories here.

It’s a wonderful thing to know when a given chapter of your life is going to end, especially when it’s several months out. You get perspective on what’s really important to you, and time to pursue those before you leave. From April to September, I’ve been able to live such a full and fun life in Columbus, doing things I never thought possible with a community of people who mean so much to me.

• Skydiving (Video)
• First time at Zoombezi Bay
• Outdoor climbing in WV & OH
• Flying a Plane
• Final Damn Girl Disco
• OSU Football Game with my Little Sibling
• First Rave (and second…and third…)
• Renaissance Festival
• Rocky Horror Shadowcast
• Whitewater Rafting on the New River
• Kayaking on Alum Creek
• Learning how to ollie (almost!)
• Columbus, Worthington, & Yellow Springs Pride Festivals!
• Twitch Streaming with my best friend

Post-Writing Reflection

Writing these summaries and updates is so worthwhile to me. I love getting to document my experiences forever, and having a platform to share them with others. But my favorite thing is reflecting on my life and determining my narrative of those experiences. Getting all this down onto ‘paper’ feels so rewarding, and I’ll be curious what a future version of me thinks of this post.

Emergent themes that I may make a separate follow-up post about during my time in Central/South America:

• Holding Space for Opposing Feelings
• Poor Timing of Things
• Possible Alternate Futures
• Uncertainty about Future =/= Uncertainty about Leaving
• Staying to “fight the good fight” vs. running away

Gratitude

As I approach the end of this chapter, I have been trying to shift my feelings of sorrow and loss, toward joy and gratitude. Before writing this, I know my words won’t properly convey all I feel. How humbling it is to have felt love from so many incredible people. Like cosmically, spiritually, I hold few things in higher regard than our connections with others. No matter how fleeting our interactions have been, or deeply we’ve known each other, know that our connection means something to me, and I’m grateful for however our lives have and will cross.

I DEFINITELY don’t have time to make this as exhaustive as I’d like, so please know if you are reading this, there is undoubtedly some positive impact you’ve made on my own life and experience in Columbus, that I hope to someday articulate more specifically. And stay tuned for a future “Columbus Gratitude” post!

• C., Pleiades, and all my other friends, for the immense support they gave me during a period of great personal change. I do not know if or how I could have survived otherwise, and I wouldn’t rather have had anyone else by my side.
• QCC and every queer and trans person I’ve met, for showing me new ways to live authentically, and the immense strength we have as a community. I know I will never be alone in my struggle, and I hope you do too.
• My graduate cohort, OSU colleagues, and everyone I’ve ever worked with, for seeing my talents when I couldn’t, and giving me opportunities to learn and grow my capabilities. I would not be as confident about making this move if not for the skills you all helped me develop.
• Every activist, organizer, and community leader I’ve seen, for showing me what it looks like to create meaningful social change. I am inspired to carry on this work wherever my future takes me.
• The young people I’ve been able to connect with, like my students, and especially my Little Sibling Merikh, for helping me keep perspective on what really matters in life, and how far I’ve come from my own childhood.
• The Leggitts, the Crawfords, the Becks, and every other family who has welcomed me openly as a part of theirs. I cannot express what it means to have homes-away-from-home that would take me in if I ever needed.

The Plan

1. Depart Columbus Saturday, September 21 for a 43-day trip to Central+South America:
   • Mexico, Guatemala, Belize (9/21-10/5)
   • Ecuador Rainforest (10/5-10/11)
   • Peru, Bolivia (10/12-11/2)
2. Return to the US November 5 to vote, see my doctor, refill meds, and take care of last-minute logistics
3. Depart Columbus Wednesday, November 13 to move to the Netherlands
4. Acquire residency in the Netherlands via the Dutch-American Friendship Treaty and my own educational consulting company.
   • Find more permanent housing than friends’ couches and spare rooms
   • Find enough work and/or income streams to survive

Alternative paths: finding a PhD program I’m really excited about and qualified for, getting funding for a 2nd Master’s degree, taking a staff research position at a university, returning to Columbus, landing in another country, and more – the possibilities of my future are unlimited!

Lend your Support

I am lucky to have a wonderful network of friends and found family who have helped me get to this point in my life. While I believe I am capable of navigating the journey ahead of me, I’m also willing to accept any help I’m offered. Here are some things that would really make me feel supported:

1. Follow This Website (or check back periodically)
   • I enjoy being able to share my adventures with loved ones
   • I’ll try to announce new posts at my Instagram (@keomancer)
2. Tell Me What You Think
   • I’d love to know if parts of my story resonated with you, and to hear about your experience, especially if I might be able to learn from it
   • Even just telling me you read this is nice to know :”)
3. Write a Testimonial for my (eventual) Business Website
   • Attest to my skills, teamwork, integrity, etc.
   • Email to adakeohane@gmail.com
4. Share Your Network
   • If you know people in the NL (or EU) who I’d vibe with, introduce me!
   • Bonus points if they’re queer and/or have job opportunities
5. Donate to my Moving Fund
   • Money is always appreciated and very practical
   • Zelle: my email or phone #
   • Venmo: @keomancer)
6. Hire My Company (Human-Centered Consulting LLC)
   • I do Instructional Design, Project Management, Organizational Analysis, Community Engagement, Remote Teaching, and more!
   • Recommend “HCC” to Colleagues in Need

No matter where my future takes me, I hope to keep in touch with you. No matter how long it’s been since we talked, I’m always happy t

1. Not a girl ↩︎