Change is Hard But Inevitable

I officially moved to the Netherlands on November 14, 2024, which means it’s time for a 3-month update! Here’s how I’ve been, what I’ve been up to, and of course more musings on life. Headings: Logistics – Adventures – Environment – Culture – Sadness – Future

Administration, Bureaucracy, and Procedures

As you might expect, there are a lot of logistics to consider in an international move. The Netherlands is especially dense with these. In some ways, this is a refreshing break from the chaotic mishmash of laws in the U.S. that vary by state, county, and city.

In most other ways, it is an immensely frustrating system to get set up within. Still, it’s been nice to have something concrete to work toward. Since August, it’s been:

1. (optional) Hire Immigration Lawyer (900 EUR for mine, v. reasonable)
2. Apply for the D.A.F.T. (380 EUR)
3. Get Residence ID from the IND
4. Find housing in the Netherlands (Very Difficult)
5. (optional) Tell the Dutch government you stay at multiple places (<4 days/week at any one) to register a postal address (briefadres) at the Municipality, and get a BSN (Dutch equivalent of SSN)
6. Use Residence ID and Proof of Address to register at the Municipality (Gemeente), and get a BSN (Dutch equivalent of SSN)
7. Use BSN to open Dutch Bank Account
8. Register business as sole proprietorship (ZZP) with the Chamber of Commerce (KVK)
9. Open Business Bank Account and retain 4500 EUR for D.A.F.T.
10. Research & choose Health Insurance plan (month-long processing)
11. Research & register with a GP (Huisarts, “House Doctor”)
12. Get referrals to Gender Clinic, Psychologist (GGZ, therapist)
13. Re-establish HRT and ADHD prescriptions
14. (optional) Research & choose Dutch/European phone plan; transfer U.S. # to Google Voice to retain call/sms.
15. (To Be Continued…)

European Adventures

I’ve been thoroughly enjoying the unemployed life, and making the most of my new environment, even in bad weather. I visited Belgium, saw New Years fireworks in Amsterdam, and spent a week living on a tiny houseboat!

A great life hack for meeting people, making friends, and finding things to do in a new place: look up groups and/or social events and go to a meetup or venue. I think it’s easier with the queer community, but also works for hobbies or sports groups. Ask people about their favorite places, people, etc. Exchange contact info. Repeat.

I’ve been to meetups with every trans group in Amsterdam, a few drag shows in Delft and Rotterdam, and most recently a PWH (Pro Wrestling Holland) show in Haarlem. Since I first met two of them in September 2023, the Haarlem Town Queers have been my main source of community in the Netherlands. After just two months living in the Netherlands, I had around 20 people to invite to my 32nd birthday party 🙂

Human-Centered Infrastructure

It’s amazing how easily I can get around here on foot! Every city is connected with trains and light-rail, that usually come every 10 minutes. Busses and public-rental bikes fill the gaps, meaning I could take an impromptu visit to Christmas Markets in Antwerp and Ghent with just a backpack (I did forget my passport though, which was unfortunately timed with the week NL started doing border checks…)

I really value mobility, so I bought a (used; definitely stolen) bike early on, and have been acclimating to the organized chaos of Dutch bicyclists. The red-paved bike paths are also perfect for skating, on the rare day it doesn’t rain. Although the transit costs money, it’s far cheaper than equivalent ubers or a car with insurance would cost (I clocked $180/mo in a high-travel period).

• Pros:
  • Everything is closer together (fewer parking lots, roads, etc)
  • Walking around doesn’t feel scary (cars & guns mostly)
  • Dedicated (and protected) bike paths everywhere!!
  • Transit is so frequent you don’t need to plan ahead
  • Almost all bus/train stops have shelters, and route/upcoming info
  • Great views when traveling (canals, architecture, farmland, people-watching)
• Cons:
  • Biking in rush-hour is legit dangerous
  • Non-grid streets are harder to navigate
  • Having to deal with the weather
  • Brick roads can be uneven and bad to skate on (still better than Ohio sidewalks though!)

Doe NORMAAL

This is part of an old Dutch saying, “Be normal, that is crazy enough”, and is an underlying part of culture in the Netherlands. My understanding is it reflects collectivist attitudes about society – a sentiment about not disturbing the peace. Of course, whether intended or not, there is also an implication of conformity to this attitude: “be yourself, but not too much”. As someone who really values free and alternative/subversive expression, I’ve felt a lot of friction with this part of the culture. Just my physical existence exceeds some people’s “normal” thresholds. But the queer community in the Netherlands is strong, and a welcome sanctuary from the culture of “doe normaal”.

Because of this consensus culture, deviations from the norm are more visible when they do happen. I’m no stranger to being stared at, feeling uncomfortable, or over-analyzing whether I ‘fit in’ in public spaces. But I can usually guess the source of those feelings (gender). In the Netherlands, I can’t tell whether the stares are because I’m trans, I’m a foreigner, or I dress in bright colors!

Initially, it was stressful not being able to know in which way I failed to ‘pass’. But I’ve since made peace with being an outsider in the eyes of others – there’s no other way to travel the world!

The Horrors

“I haven’t been able to enjoy it as much as I’d like to”

That’s what I’ve been saying when people ask how the Netherlands has been so far. This place is amazing, and there’s a lot to do. I’ve been going to community meetups and art workshops, meeting wonderful people, and making the most of the urban and transit infrastructure. I got to stay (for free) with two best friends from high school, and have the freedom of unemployment too. But I’ve also felt more lonely than I ever have.

I miss my community back in Columbus, both the individual people and how supported I felt by them overall. I miss the comfort and power that comes with knowing a place. I miss the nature, I miss restaurants, I miss my house. I miss my climbing group, I miss my students, I miss being able to guide others. There’s a lot to grieve in choosing to leave a place, even if those things aren’t actually ‘gone’. But most of all, I miss the people I used to talk to about everything.

There is a much longer story behind this, but the two people I’ve gotten closest to in my adult life currently have no interest in speaking to me. I made a lot of mistakes and caused a lot of heartache in both cases. Even after deciding to divorce, I took my relationship with C for granted and left a very poor impression of myself in our last months together. Later, when I decided against moving here together with my best friend, I tried to do things differently. But my attempts to repair from afar kept making things worse, until P decided an indefinite break in contact.

When I first decided to move here a year and a half ago, I imagined something very different. I (foolishly) assumed I could share this new adventure with these people, with regular phone calls and maybe even periodic visits. My familiar anchors would keep me grounded through the transition, and our relationships would take new forms as we grew into our separate lives. I understand both their reasons for it, but being cut off from these relationships has been the most difficult part of this move, and has made it more difficult to fully enjoy this new chapter.

And lately I’ve been questioning, what’s the point of these experiences, if I have no one to share them with?

That’s (one reason) why you, dear reader, matter so much to me!

What’s Next

I’m posting this from the Boston airport, on my way “back home” to Amsterdam. I had hoped (naively) that it wasn’t too late to try to change the course of things with P, and took a 2-week trip to Columbus. Although that didn’t pan out, it was nice to see my friends, and I got some errands done to save on postage. Plus, I got a nice perception-reset for how much nicer urban environments are in the Netherlands 😅

Although it’s been hard, I’m not ready to give up yet. I didn’t go through 3 months of administrative slog to not enjoy the benefits of a system that ‘just works’. Soon the tulip fields will start blooming, and I hope to make the most of the good Spring weather before it gets too hot. Plus, there’s still so many countries I want to visit!

I’m nervous about my next phase: trying to secure (stable) income as a freelancer. On one hand, I’m really excited, since I’ve always loved the idea, and think the variety would work well for my ADHD. On the other, I’m terrified about the constant stress of deadlines and finding new work, and think the lack of structure would be rough for my ADHD. But I’ve got many leads to follow, in NL and U.S., so I’m pretty optimistic about getting something working. It’s an adventure, if nothing else 😉

Anyway, that’s about it! Check back this summer for some overdue updates to my site, including (finally) uploading art and doing some (not-blog) writing.

Until next time!
💜Ada